Hook's Secret Weapon
by DjinniFires
Summary: Emma can best Hook in a sword fight, Belle can get the drop on him with a heavy swinging ship part, Gold can knock him down with his cane and thrash him within an inch of his life. Yet Hook keeps managing to escape and rejoin the fight all over again. How does he do it? What's his secret? ***New*** "Off the Trauma Ward" - How Hook's secret weapon sets him free
1. On the Trauma Ward

**ON THE TRAUMA WARD**

**Ward**

Cora tugged at her disgustingly cheerful nurse's shirt. Just because she needed to blend in with Storybrooke General's trauma ward, didn't mean she had to look frumpy. Not that the pudgy nurse she was mimicking could look anything but frumpy—especially in scrubs sporting pink-and-blue kittens on puce.

Cora peeked into Killian Jones's room. Her lothario ally was flirting like crazy—and yet the blonde bimbo daughter of prune-faced Snow White was staring at him with contempt. What had happened to the captain's charms?

Suddenly, Cora realized what magic he was missing, the item more essential than his hook: _guyliner._

**Warden**

Killian tried to concentrate on what scorching hot Sheriff Swan was saying. If he didn't catch her words, how could he twist them into double entendres? But for reasons unknown, all he could manage were excruciating clichés.

"My hook. May I have it back? Or is there another attachment you'd prefer?" _Did I really just say 'another attachment'? Yikes! _

The rest of their conversation passed in a blur. With a sneer of disinterest, Emma left. Killian remained handcuffed to his bed.

_Epic Fail! _To regain his mojo, Killian needed something. Freedom? His hook? Or… was it guyliner?

_That's it. Guyliner._

**Howard**

When the next nurse strolled in, Killian was relieved she was a dog. As a man of honor, principle #1 said never see a pretty woman and not try to make her—but since this was one mangy mutt, he could rest his innuendo-creating faculties without breaking his code.

But the bowser wouldn't go.

She fluffed his pillows. She stuck a straw in his mouth to sip cranberry juice. She ran chapstick over his lips.

"Enough—" Killian read her badge "—Nurse Howard. I don't need anything."

"Really?" The nurse held up a slender black-and-gold cylinder. "Not even guyliner?"

**Coward**

Cora watched Captain Jones as he tried to figure out why a trauma ward nurse would offer him guyliner. Even banged up by a car, Killian was pretty. But the accident had slowed down his calculating abilities. A full minute passed before she saw fear glimmer in his eyes.

"You're not a nurse. You're Cora."

She nodded.

"I—I did what you said. I hurt Belle. I left the Dark One to you."

"But you got caught. Not smart. I'm here to make sure that won't happen again." She paused. "Close your eyes."

Trembling, Killian obeyed.

Cora uncapped the guyliner.

**Forward**

Killian stared at Cora. "You're leaving me chained to my bed? I thought you'd free me."

"And risk making _my_ presence known?" Cora smiled. "What I gave you is better than freedom. I gave you power."

"Really?"

"That's no ordinary guyliner. You now have the ability to make anyone you stare at behave in stupid, thoughtless ways. Your glance will suck the common sense right out of their brains. The cleverest of your foes will behave like complete idiots."

_Magic_. Killian felt like kissing Cora—if her Nurse Howard guise wasn't such a dog.

"You'll find freedom within the hour."

* * *

**Next up:** "Off the Trauma Ward"

**Comments much appreciated!**

**P.S. **Yes, each drabble is exactly 100 words long (not counting the title).


	2. Off the Trauma Ward

**OFF THE TRAUMA WARD**

**Grope**

"Tell me where it hurts."

Killian read the nameplate: _Nurse Erza_. He flicked his glance up to her face—_not a dog—_then back where it counted. Would those brass buttons keep her prim? Or would the struggling masses succeed in breaking free?

After all, _he_ couldn't unbutton her. Being one-handed had its drawbacks.

Mustering the iron resolve that terrorized the seas (except those patrolled by flying boys), he refocused on her face.

Erza gazed back, mesmerized. "Those eyes. They're so…" Without finishing, she launched herself across the room. A second later, she'd found where it hurt.

_Bless you, Cora._

**Gape**

Acting Sheriff Charming glowered at Hook. "You shot Belle—just to irk Rumplestiltskin. Why would I bargain you down from attempted murder?"

For the first time since Charming entered, Hook looked up. _That eye color—blue? Or is it the eastern sky kissing the waves just before dawn?_ "Okay. Endangerment. But why would I un-handcuff you? Your help's unnecessary. Even invisible, your ship will be easy to find. Storybrooke's harbor is tiny."

_That black line bordering those sweeping lashes—so bold, so manly._ Charming pulled out his keys. "But why would I tell you where Rumplestiltskin went?"

Hook blinked.

"Manhattan."

**Grapes**

Regina tipped the chardonnay into her mother's goblet then lifted her own glass. "Here's to finding the Dark One's dagger and—"

"—subjugating his powers... dominating his will... enslaving his desires... making him scream for mercy..."

Regina glanced sidelong. Good thing she'd killed Daddy. The dreaminess on his wife Cora's face would've hurt his feelings. "Hopper knows where the galleon is. Remember, you held him captive there? Why would Charming be idiotic enough to let Hook show him instead?"

"Guyliner."

Regina sipped. "In the past, Hook's betrayed both you and me. Why are _we_ giving him another chance?"

"Guyliner."

**Grump**

The longer Grumpy paced the hospital lobby, the angrier he grew. That wretched pirate had gunned down his gal pal—the lovely lady who'd advised him that just because his Enchanted Forest sweetcakes was now a Storybrooke nun, that didn't mean her fairy diamonds weren't begging to be mined. He and Astrid owed Belle big time.

Last night Hook's bullet had toppled Belle across the border, wiping her memories of _her_ one-and-only. Sick irony! Now she thought Rumplestiltskin was just some gimpy short guy old enough to be her father.

Grumpy growled. _No funny business, pirate! I'll be watching you._

**Gripe**

Snow White turned away from the elevator. Gawking wouldn't make Charming appear any faster. Spying Grumpy, she frowned. Sure, she loved the little guy—but wouldn't Prince Thomas or Sir Frederick or any of the other dozen young men they knew have made better deputies than a middle-age dwarf (no offense) a foot shorter than the man he'd be guarding?

Snow sighed. In Storybrooke, her once witty and dashing prince had become... less clever. Charming's plan for Hook to point out his ship sounded downright foolish.

Thank goodness she'd been savvy enough to arm herself with her bow and arrows.

* * *

**I know they're short (exactly 100 words each), but please comment! **

**Next up:** "On the Waterfront"

**Why parody? Sometimes you just have to take a breather from passion and angst. For my _usual_ fantasies about Rumplestiltskin, click on my profile to find Waylaid or Trick of Hearts.**

**For those who don't know (or aren't caught up with) Once Upon a Time, in "Tiny" (2x13) Charming really did un-handcuff Hook to show him his boat when upstanding citizen Dr. Hopper could have shown him instead; Grumpy really was the friend brought along to "watch" Hook; Snow really did arm herself with bow and arrows. Really!**

**Nurse Erza is making an appearance from the anime Fairytale. For a picture, see: ****tinyurl DOT com/m9qoqxd**


End file.
